Let me start at the beginning. Most of you probably don't know, so I'll tell you. Matthew has 3 daughters. The oldest two, 17 and 14, are his ex wife's kids from her 1st marriage. He married her when the girls were ages 2 and 4. So he is "Daddy" to them. The youngest is 11 and she is his biological daughter. I haven't met 17, but 14 and 11 came here for a week during spring break and now they are here for the summer. They have been here for almost a month.
So 11 is such a sweetheart. She loves to cuddle, loves to help out, loves to do creative stuff, etc. She always goes with Matthew and I when we want to go do something fun. She is polite. She does things when she is told (for the most part LOL!) She's just an all around great kid.
14 on the other hand.... Well, she pretty much hates me. She does not respect anyone. She doesn't follow any rules or guidelines. When anyone tells her to do something she talks back or flat out says no. She talks bad about me and Matthew to her friends on the phone, IN FRONT of us. She yells at all of us for no reason. She hits 11 for no reason. The list goes on and on.
Well, ever since she got here, we've basically been butting heads. Matthew and I decided to set rules for the girls. For example, 2 hours on the computer at a time (because they have to share). Bedtime is midnight because Matthew has to get up early every day for PT and needs quiet. Put your dishes in the dishwasher when you're done with them, etc. Pretty reasonable, right? Well 14 acts as if she's been put in prison because she doesn't HAVE rules at home.
Long story short, she doesn't respect me or follow my rules because I'm "new". So for the last couple of weeks I haven't been disciplining her, or really even talking to her so that we don't butt heads. She hasn't gone anywhere with us for a few weeks either.
So tonight I took the girls to Outback (Matthew works there part time), so they could #1 eat out because they are ALWAYS asking, and #2 so they could see Daddy. It was great for about 5 minutes. Then 14 started being a smart ass about everything. She was loud, she was eating like a pig (not the amount, but the way she was eating), she kicked 11 in the shins, etc. I was getting irritated. At one point they were being so loud that I jokingly said "I can't take ya'll anywhere. I'm gonna tie you to the roof of the car on the way home!" (Come on! You know you've joked about that too!) Well, Miss Smart Ass says "You know I can put you in jail for that!"
OH MY GOSH!!!
We get in the car. After a couple of minutes, as I was singing to the music, she says "Hey 11, know what I've noticed? A lot of FAT people have good singing voices." I continue to stare at the road and hum. Then she goes "Sarah, I wasn't talking about you." Really! If you weren't, you wouldn't have even said it. (I've been overweight my whole life, but I'm at my highest weight right now and I'm very sensitive about it. She KNEW it would bother me! She's 14, not stupid!)
I AM SO MAD!!! She does stuff to purposefully make me mad. Or just flat out hurt me. I honestly think she's trying to break me and Matthew up. She knows we're getting married though.
All I wanted to do was cry, but I wasn't about to let her see that.
One night, we got into this huge thing. She had been bugging me all day. I finally just snapped. I ended up getting mad at Matthew AND 14. Well, he got onto her for being such a butthead to me. He talked to her for like 2 hours. I couldn't hear most of the conversation but he later told me that she said she wasn't going to come back here as long as he's with me. Which of course makes me feel like crap. Well, he told me that he was ok with that. For one thing, he can't get her to behave. The 2 of them butt heads more than she and I do. Another thing, he doesn't have any legal claim to her. She can't live with him, she doesn't even have to visit him. He's just glad that his biological daughter loves me.
So yeah. I'm upset. I'm sitting in my room. By myself. Again. In my own home. It sucks.
I would greatly appreciate your prayers. And any advice.
Much Love,
hi girl. im so sorry that your having a ruff time. as a foster parent, we have went through situations like these. i think alot of times, they may appear like they hate you & test your every nerve. but, i think they are actually just seeing if you like them or not. its kind of like a respect thing. for each 12 things they do - that drives you insane. if you handle each one, then you get a check mark. its a type of building for them. like, if you dont break down. or if you dont end up hating them...then, they respect you for that & in the end, you all will be close.
ReplyDeletei pray that things will get better. its not easy, at all. but remember, what God takes you to...he will help you thru =)
ttys.
this is my new ID by the way...i changed it from "simplybryant"
ReplyDeleteUm...I wish that I could give you some advice but I don't have any experience in this area. I feel bad for you that this is happening. But I also feel bad for Carey. She is obviously using her attitude as a defense mechanism. She probably feels uncomfortable being there. Why did she come this summer? Did she choose to or did her mom make her?
ReplyDeleteFor one thing, remember that A) she is 14. Her emotions and hormones are CRAZY. We were all butts at 14. It's normal. and B) she doesn't exactly have a "traditional" family. My opinion is whenever a child is from a broken home, they automatically have a warped view on what family and marriage is supposed to be. So, be patient with her. Try and understand how she is feeling.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you and Matthew need to set some serious rules. Explain to her that you love her, and that you want her to feel welcome at your home and have fun with her, but that this is your home, and that the number 1 rule is that she is to respect herself and others. If she doesn't want to follow the rules, she doesn't have to come. Make sure you love on her because she obviously needs that from you. Matthew needs to explain to her that he loves her, and that marrying you isn't going to change that. He needs to spend one on one time with her, as do you. You should both take turns spending a day with her, take her to do whatever she enjoys. Make her feel like a teenager, not a baby....14 year olds want more than anything to feel "grown." But explain to her that if she wants to be treated like she's grown, she has to act grown. And set specific consequences for any disobedience. Make sure she knows them. 14 year olds are seriously sensitive, and she probably feels like Matthew doesn't love her as much or doesn't have as much time for her. And don't fight with her....you aren't the 14 year old. Hope that helps. I will say an extra prayer for you!
I am sorry you are going through all of this with her. But if it was me, I would be sending her ass HOME!!!
ReplyDeletePlease email me regarding the Wine Theme Swap you signed up for on my blog.
kvcreativedesigns@yahoo.com
Thanks!
Artful Blessings,
KV
Thanks for sharing this. I am sure it was not easy. Okay, so the only thing I have to add to what the others have said is this-
ReplyDeleteThis is where the rubber hits the road. You have to walk your faith here. Love your enemy and she is acting like an enemy at this point. Be on your knees for her, kill her with kindness, but don't throw pearls to swine. Remember who YOU are, who God has made you to be and don't let her behavior change that. You cannot choose what she does, but you can choose how you respond to it. I will be praying wisdom over you my bloggy friend.
I must say DITTO to many points made above.
ReplyDeleteI know you are praying for her... keep it up!
Remember... when you get to the end of your rope is when you reach the hem of His garment :)
-Kari